How-To: Screw up Your Sleep Schedule

People need sleep, but not everyone needs the same amount. The secret is finding out how much sleep you really need, and after following these few simple steps, you’ll find out it’s surprisingly little.

First, isolate yourself from other people; they will only slow you down. If you have a job, quit that job in a spectacular fashion and start making 50K online right now. Now that you’re working from home with no friends, you are the master of your own domain. Name it a pun based on your name, and proceed with the next phase.

Second, using the massive amounts of money you get working from home, purchase all of the soda you can from the nearest store. If you break the shopping carts there you get bonus points. Begin drinking all of this soda as if you were a programmer, only it’s not diet soda, and you don’t need it as a requirement for your job.

Using this technique, start going to sleep an hour later each day while working. If your work doesn’t allow you to work later, pretend you have friends (remember what it is like; it’s surprisingly easy to get caught). And set your alarm for the same time each day. When you don’t get up with your alarm, don’t worry. Just keep repeating the process until you sleep through every alarm, are tired all of the time, and have no sense of what time even is.

Quickly you will find that you have gone to sleep at 7 in the morning, and have no idea what time it is when you wake up because all of the batteries in your house have died. Congratulations, you have done it. Now celebrate with soda.

Speak Your Mind 179 #891-895


1. Do you remember your kindergarten teacher’s name?

2. What is one kind of food that you often tend to eat too much of?

3. Have you ever fallen asleep in church?

4. How many students are in your English class?

5. What is your school counselor’s name?

ANSWERS By: Austin Smith

1. Yes, but I won’t say here.

2. Probably Hamburgers.

3. I have never been in a church during a sermon in my life, and I have  never been in the building  long enough to sleep.

4. I am not in school.

5. I am not in school currently.

Speak Your Mind 153 #761-765


1. What will be the best thing about graduating from high school?

2. Do you think life was less fulfilling in the days before telephone?

3. Do you like to walk in the rain?

4. Do you think teenagers should buy their own clothes?

5. Have you ever fallen asleep in school?

ANSWERS By: Austin Smith

1. The best part was getting away from some of the people.

2. No, I have no idea wether it was more or less.

3. When I’m in the clothes to do so and it is in the summer yes.

4. That would depend on the teenager.

5. Yes, but never during a lecture or a teacher talking at any point.


Speak Your Mind 147 #731-735


1. Have you ever ridden a horse?

2. Do (did) you think driver’s ed class is (was, will be) fun?

3. What time did you go to bed last night?

4. Have you ever used a left handed pair of scissors?

5. Do people often have a problem spelling your first name?

ANSWERS By: Austin Smith

1. Yes I have ridden a few horses.

2. I will never take it so I don’t care.

3. Last night is not representative but it was about 3:15 AM.

4. Not that I can recall.

5. Not really, it’s an easy name.


Speak Your Mind 127 #631-635


1. Do you like long fingernails or short fingernails for men?

2. Do you have any nieces or nephews?

3. Do you ever have to wash dishes?

4. Do you think it is important for a girl to learn how to clean?

5. Do you like to sleep with the window open?

ANSWERS By: Austin Smith

1. I don’t like fingernails too long period, nor too short, in between for all people.

2. Yes, and most of them are quite a lot older than me.

3. Sometime, but only large ones or when we’re camping.

4. It’s important for everyone to learn how to clean.

5. No, I like a more regulated temperature, and the nights are very cold here.