So I didn’t like the Hitman: Absolution trailer “Attack of the Saints”

By: Austin Smith

*warning* Kinda inappropriate, but so is the trailer.

The Trailer for the new Hitman game came out, and something about it just rubbed me the wrong, way, so I’m going to watch it again and tell you what I find wrong with it. This is almost unedited so bear with me. It also helps if you’ve seen the trailer because I’m not going to write down times or anything.

Yes, this may contain inappropriate content.

You’d think it would take more then a band-aid for a shoulder gash like that.

Why are we focusing so much on the nuns chests?

Why the stilettos? That barely makes sense.

You might want to check on that band-aid on your head. Blood pouring from your cranium is generally not a good sign.

Whoa, I get where the SMG came from, but an RPG really! Did she just pull that out of a car I didn’t see pass by, because she didn’t pull it out of her ass.

Oh, the gloves are on now.

Whoa, maybe she did. This is where I start to dislike this trailer, I mean really, why latex. I understand that a nun getup might not be beneficial in a gunfight, but at least it might obscure your form. Latex that barely covers you is pointless, especially when it’s going to rain. Do “sexy” getups help you fight your enemies. And why are they “sexy” nuns anyway, does the Hitman series just have a roaming group of killer nuns. Why? I mean the only Hitman game I played had me going around impaling people on meathooks for twenty minutes before my friend came back and we went bowling. Are these nuns reoccurring characters? If not, why? There is no need for them to be here, let alone dressed like that, I’m almost offended. These assassins suck at their jobs.

Oh, I talked so much I missed the coin he pulled out of his head or something.

You know maybe standing in your “sexy” formation and blowing up the room with and RPG is not a good way to maintain cover, or not be seen, or just flat out killed. Hey look, he’s already killing them, like the shrapnel wouldn’t have already.

For assassins they really don’t notice when people get killed behind them do they.

I’m not sure he just fired enough rounds to kill all but two of them.

Nice covered up-skirt and machine-gun shot; he lied.

You’d think she would have thought about him grabbing the barrel.

Are rosaries effective strangling devices?

Oh, unrealistically broken nose.

Yeah, I bet those latex outfits are helping you fight now.

Okay, there is no way that at that distance, a rifle bullet packed by a professional assassin would just stop inside a person. They are both dead now, game over.

Bull***T, he should be dead, or at least suffering for several more bullet wounds.

He shot first, or something.

Thats an awesome car.

No I don’t care that he closed her eyes.

Well, that sucked. I mean really, nuns, why? Just so they could do that lame title. And why sexualize them. It’s not because they weren’t nuns and the disguises were cumbersome, or they would have taken their wimples off. They were just bad assassins. Or it was just an offensive marketing campaign with a stupid title for a mediocre game. That’ll be it.

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