How-To: Screw up Your Sleep Schedule

People need sleep, but not everyone needs the same amount. The secret is finding out how much sleep you really need, and after following these few simple steps, you’ll find out it’s surprisingly little.

First, isolate yourself from other people; they will only slow you down. If you have a job, quit that job in a spectacular fashion and start making 50K online right now. Now that you’re working from home with no friends, you are the master of your own domain. Name it a pun based on your name, and proceed with the next phase.

Second, using the massive amounts of money you get working from home, purchase all of the soda you can from the nearest store. If you break the shopping carts there you get bonus points. Begin drinking all of this soda as if you were a programmer, only it’s not diet soda, and you don’t need it as a requirement for your job.

Using this technique, start going to sleep an hour later each day while working. If your work doesn’t allow you to work later, pretend you have friends (remember what it is like; it’s surprisingly easy to get caught). And set your alarm for the same time each day. When you don’t get up with your alarm, don’t worry. Just keep repeating the process until you sleep through every alarm, are tired all of the time, and have no sense of what time even is.

Quickly you will find that you have gone to sleep at 7 in the morning, and have no idea what time it is when you wake up because all of the batteries in your house have died. Congratulations, you have done it. Now celebrate with soda.

Table Topics Family 36 #71-72


1. Would you rather be able to fly or turn invisible?

2. What bedtime would you pick if you could choose?

ANSWERS By: Austin Smith

1. Most people would say invisible for illegal reasons, but for me it’s really would you want to be more or less noticeable, and for me the answer is less.

2. Never, it would be never.

I Don’t Get Much Sleep

So I think I’m writing this at an appropriate time, by that I mean when I should be sleeping. I don’t sleep well, I don’t know why that is, but I don’t. My sleep schedule is better since I stopped drinking soft drinks, but it’s still pretty bad. I often find myself up in the midnight hours, working furiously to finish my work for the night. Though much of my work gets interrupted by my need for organization, last minute small projects, and the general distractions of the internet that we all experience.

It isn’t as if I wake up late. I wake up at eight every morning, sometimes as late as nine or nine thirty. At that moment I don’t really have to ‘go’ to work, but then I start working. I work, take walks, and do things on the internet the rest of the day. And then I still have to sit up to one in the morning finishing everything. I don’t know why, I don’t think I’ve ever thought I had the reason pinned down.

And I love sleep, I wish I could sleep forever, but I guess I wish I would get more done more. It just seems strange to me how I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake. Do other people feel this way? I mean I think most of the people I know go to bed sleepy and then wake up sleepy. Some people don’t even seem to wake up ever. I don’t drink caffeine (very often) and the sugar content of what I drink is, I believe, very low.

I know a lot of people are sleep deprived nowadays. But do they stay up late every night and get up early every day? (I should mention that I work every day of the week and only sleep in once a week on Saturday or Sunday) It doesn’t seem right, and though it does affect my work some it really doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, except to my mind which keeps telling me to get to sleep earlier.

It’s just strange.

Soda and Productivity

A lot of people drink soda, or coffee or tea, or some other caffeinated drink. The usual reasons are the same: they either need the energy boost or like the taste (which means they need the energy boost and want an excuse). I personally don’t drink coffee and rarely drink soda or tea. But this wasn’t always the case. I can remember a time not too long ago (a few months) where I was drinking several sodas every day. Most people are fine with this or even need it, I know someone who gets almost sick when he goes through soda withdrawal. I went through withdrawal when I “quit” soda and it is terrible, but I managed to do it and here’s why I did it.

Back even longer ago I wasn’t getting much done. I subsist on liquids mostly because I’m either to lazy or not hungry enough to make food (I haven’t eaten breakfast in months). I only got soda when we went out, I had none at home because my house is the type of house where you only get things if you write them down on the list or ask for them just before (which is a good thing). I decided one day that getting soda would be good, and might even improve my productivity.

When I got it for the first week or two I was fine, nothing really changed, I thought. But soon things started to change. I started wanting more and more soda every day, kinda like an addict. I would save my soda for when I was working, which ironically made me work less because I would just drink the soda and then stop working. I tried to compensate for this by working only at certain times when I wanted soda, which cut my work times even more because I wasn’t motivated. The worst thing though I didn’t even realize was happening. I was staying up later because of all the caffeine, (or just the sugar) which meant that I was getting up later. As I have discovered, getting up and being fresh and awake is one of the major components of working and enjoying that work. Soda was slowly but surely destroying my sleep schedule.

Most of you don’t know me so I’ll just tell you that when I don’t get things done I start to get mad. Not getting things done infuriates me. I didn’t fully realize that I was now a tired, angry, and lazy individual until I stopped soda all together. I had been “addicted” to soda before and quit several times, but that was when I was in school and didn’t care about what I was doing (it also served as a good distraction when I was quitting). I finally quit again by reducing the amount I drank a day slowly. I then had about a week of head and body aches where I was even less productive and really tempted to go back to soda. When that ended however I got ten times as much done per day, I was more focused and even more alert, provided I had gotten enough sleep the night before.

I know that I’ve been making soda drinking sound very serious. It really isn’t and I’m sure it doesn’t affect some people. I still do drink soda when I go out or on a trip. But just be warned that it can cause some serious problems, and I believe that my life is better now that I’ve gotten it out of my house. Think of some things you “can’t” get through the day without and see if you really need them, or if they really are helping you. The answer may surprise you.

Speak Your Mind 32 #156-160


1. Do you think pimples are a problem?

2. Do you have trouble sleeping if you have a lot on your mind?

3. Do you like cotton candy?

4. Have you ever seen concrete laid?

5. What color is your house?

ANSWERS By: Austin Smith

1. Not really, I never treated mine, and I don’t notice them until they are about 80 percent of a persons face.

2. I have trouble sleeping. Period.

3. Yes, I really like cotton candy.

4. I have seen it, and done it as well.

5. The outside is white with a maroon roof. The inside varies.