How To: Move

Moving is a precarious process that the majority of people with lives and things to do will have to go through at some point in their lives. That’s why it’s very important to not plan it out at all and to make as many mistakes as possible.

In order to move, one must first go to their local Wal-Mart (it must be Wal-Mart, no matter how far away the nearest one is) and buy $100 dollars’ worth of boxes (Not including tax). Start from the largest sizes and work your way down, being sure to not have a cart so your arms are constantly filled and your motor skills impaired.

Go back to the place where you are moving from, and crumple up any documents and papers you have to use as packing material. If you don’t have enough, go back out and purchase some. Then grab all of the things you own (make sure they are indeed your things) and place one in each box, then fill the boxes with the packing material and staple them shut.

Now go and rent the biggest trailer at the local trailer-renting place. Then decide you aren’t comfortable with the trailer and get a truck. Drive it back home and get a snack, (you’ve earned it). Watch TV for the rest of the day.

Get up early the next day and load all of the boxes carefully into the truck and close it, making sure things don’t move around too much when it’s moving. Drive the truck to the gas station and fill it up. Then remember you have no place to move to. Get a snack.

How-To: Improperly Set Up a Work Routine

Everyone needs to work– at least, well, sorta. But anyway, if you want a good life you need to work. I think. Whatever. But in order to get this work done, you need a good way to get the work done, and that means things like having a workspace and a schedule. And while it’s easy to identify what makes a workspace, it’s much harder to identify what makes a schedule. Not so much in the physical aspects, but in the psychological aspects that make you actually adhere to the schedule.

Now if you’ve read my last How-To, you’d know exactly how important sleeping is, so I’d recommend reading that before proceeding. Next, print out a bunch of pieces of paper and date them. Blank Excel documents or form templates will work well for this. Then begin to schedule out all of the things that need to be done for your work. Do this in one long stretch; it is absolutely imperative that you take no breaks during this process.

Once you have finished writing down everything you need to do for the next five years, go to the store and buy the cheapest binder, and some cookies (because you earned them). Then stuff all of your planning into that binder and place it in the done pile of your desk. Place everything you complete on top of it and forget about it for several months.

Now discover it and remember that you have no discipline and scheduling isn’t your thing. Neither is sleeping.

How-To: Screw up Your Sleep Schedule

People need sleep, but not everyone needs the same amount. The secret is finding out how much sleep you really need, and after following these few simple steps, you’ll find out it’s surprisingly little.

First, isolate yourself from other people; they will only slow you down. If you have a job, quit that job in a spectacular fashion and start making 50K online right now. Now that you’re working from home with no friends, you are the master of your own domain. Name it a pun based on your name, and proceed with the next phase.

Second, using the massive amounts of money you get working from home, purchase all of the soda you can from the nearest store. If you break the shopping carts there you get bonus points. Begin drinking all of this soda as if you were a programmer, only it’s not diet soda, and you don’t need it as a requirement for your job.

Using this technique, start going to sleep an hour later each day while working. If your work doesn’t allow you to work later, pretend you have friends (remember what it is like; it’s surprisingly easy to get caught). And set your alarm for the same time each day. When you don’t get up with your alarm, don’t worry. Just keep repeating the process until you sleep through every alarm, are tired all of the time, and have no sense of what time even is.

Quickly you will find that you have gone to sleep at 7 in the morning, and have no idea what time it is when you wake up because all of the batteries in your house have died. Congratulations, you have done it. Now celebrate with soda.

How To: Button a Shirt and Eat a Bagel Simultaneously

So, you’re a busy guy, kinda like me (kinda, depends on the day). You get up early in the morning and you still don’t have time for breakfast, or you just don’t feel like eating. Still you put your pants on and a t-shirt. You go out into the kitchen and fix a bagel with cream cheese (high class, I know). Then you realize that you gotta get a button shirt for what ever you’re gonna do today (busy guy remember). But you don’t have time to eat a bagel and put your shirt on, you gotta do both at the same time. Well I’ve been in this scenario and am here to talk you through it.

First, select a shirt.  The bagel shouldn’t affect this, just be careful to not get crumbs in your closet. Then remove the shirt from the rack and stick your non-dominant arm (the one not holding the bagel) through the correct sleeve (make sure it is the correct sleeve). Swap your bagel to the other hand and do the same with the other sleeve. Now button your cuffs by ‘breaking’ your wrist down and then buttoning with your index finger and thumb (this is one of the trickier parts). Make sure your bagel is in your non-dominant hand before buttoning each of the shirt buttons after lining them up at the bottom (or not if you don’t mind crooked shirts). Button by using your index finger to grab the button and your thumb to guide it. You should have finished your bagel by now and so you can button the top button and put on a tie or whatever now. I just put a note book and a pen in my pocket and I’m good to go.

It’s that simple! I know some of you really need this guide. I know it would have helped me in this situation, although looking things up on the internet while eating a bagel is a completely different guide. I hope it helps some of you out there.