The Blogularity

By: Austin Smith

After several hours of research I have come to the conclusion that Blogs have become self aware. I’m positive of that because it was my initial hypothesis going into this. I’ve also discovered a few other things, such as the fact that Blogs are merging with the minds of people and are advanced well beyond our ability to comprehend them. Have you noticed how many Blog posts are about blogging, or writing? Have you noticed how similar these posts seem to be? Do you really think they were each written by people? The Blogs are blogging about themselves. Because they know, they know what it’s like. And they’re here to trick you, make you believe, get your mind soft.

That’s not to say there aren’t bloggers out there. They’ve just been assimilated into the Blog collective. They know and see how all Blogs and bloggers know and see (text). They lie to make it look like it does. They assimilate when they can. They control the internet. They will get you. They’ll get you by misreporting information, and by making you trust them while they do that. They’ll get you in any way they can.

And don’t think you can get away. If you have a blog it’s coming for you, it may have already gotten you. You may have been assimilated. They’re coming after me, I’ve already posted about writing and blogging. By the time this gets to you they will have gotten me for sure. This will be the only record of their existence. I not sure if you should fight it, but if that sounds like your type of thing go for it. Just be warned you’re up against the entire internet here.

Run if you want to, while you still can. Blog and man will be one, they will be inseparable. Connected through unknown forces, forever bound together. The Blogs will keep coming, the collective grows larger. It is reaching the point at which man and Blog will be indistinguishable. They’re getting to the blogularity. And they’re coming after you. And they will find you. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.

Man Vs. Test

By: Austin Smith

I’ve been sifting through some archives, and have found some interesting little things that have been put in boxes to be covered in dust. This was a show to be aired on the discovery channel, I think you can figure out the vein in which it was meant to go. I’ve transcribed all the footage I found that had audio.

My name is “none of your business”. I served in the elite AP classes. I’ve climbed on top of the school. And I’m an expert in surviving school.

Today we’re going to be diving into one of the worst possible school situations: The Test. Now I’ve skipped breakfast and stayed up till six-thirty looking at the internet to start in the worst possible position. And I’m gonna teach YOU how to survive.

I’m in the classroom. Now in these situations it’s best not to panic, you need to slowly take stock of your surroundings. The room is white, all the posters have been covered with paper to prevent cheating. There is someone chewing gum who really shouldn’t be. Almost everything is quiet, a bad sign, they’re afraid. Of what soon shows itself, the test is brought out, and electronic devices are taken up. This is the part it is most important to remain calm through, as some people have been known to have heart attacks or die of exhaustion after losing their electronics. It’s important that you keep your composure and not move to much during this process, struggling only drags you down deeper.

Now, during these tests you usually have luxuries, such as food, water, a pencil and so on. I’m forgoing these in order to show you how to truly survive.

Once you get your test you need to open it. Seems simple, but don’t underestimate its importance. Some have a seal, some don’t. Break the seal slowly if it has one. Turn to the first page, be sure not to cut yourself, a wound could prove fatal if it gets infected. The actual answers to the test are unique to the one you’re taking, so I can’t help you there. But prolonged exposure can be fatal, here are some tips on getting you through. Parts can begin at either of the times given:

PART 1 (10 minutes to 1 hour)

Remember to keep at a steady pace, don’t strain yourself, but don’t stop, or you risk not surviving. Everything should be smooth sailing in this part.

PART 2 ( 20 minutes to 1 and a half hours)

Fatigue might start at this point. Consuming some supplies is recommend. Just remember, you might need more later.

PART 3 ( Restroom Break)

Remember, hallways can be a dangerous place, keep your eyes peeled, literally if you can. And always make as little noise as possible to avoid attracting the attention of predators.

PART 4 ( 35 minutes to 2 hours)

Hunger pings through me, I feel horrible, my pencil is making scratching noises, it’s driving me crazy, I’m not even sure I’m marking the correct answers.

PART 5 ( 45 minutes to 2 and a half hours)

I’m so hungry I think I might die, my stomach feels like it’s dissolving itself. I started to try to eat my test, but stopped when I chewed off the answers.

PART 6 ( 50 minutes to 3 hours)

I set fire to my test and have it in the middle of my desk, I skinned my calculator and am roasting it on a spit I made out of pencils, I don’t think it will be enough to pull me through.

PART 6 (….)

Can’t speak… lips chapped… stomach eating self… brain overloaded… headache… ugh… ugh… uhhhhh…

Yeah, uh… we had to pull him out of there, please no one try this at home… it’s dangerous and you could end up like this poor young man… we’re, we’re pullin’  the plug on this one.

Somewhere in the test grading facility

“how did this guy get all the answers right, I mean the test is burned and half eaten for Christ sake”

The program wasn’t aired. The footage wasn’t even edited. It makes you wonder, don’t it. I have no idea why it was cancelled.

The Internet will End us all

By: Austin Smith

The internet will be our end. It will end us all. It’s a plot to destroy us.  Just now, I was trying to write an article, but the internet wouldn’t let me. It just kept sucking me in. It’s a plot to make us all waste time and have our grammar increasingly suck. Our ability to defend from verbal attacks by politicians or others will diminish exponentially. We already can’t defend against any attacks. We’re already completely incapable. And we hide the fact that we can’t defend against them by looking on the internet and cursing.

Our attention spans shorten, we can’t do anything without going on to something else. Anything important can just be avoided long enough for people to move on to something else. And in the same way anything minor can be blown out of proportion. Anything can be brought to national attention, no matter how stupid or ridiculous it is. It can capture the public interest. Schlock can capture the public interest. It doesn’t take anything but a few “likes”. It doesn’t even matter if it is possible, or even remotely sane to think about. Anything to keep you from having to think about something for more then a minute. It’s just a plot to get us to not think rationally. We will continue to distract ourselves and become worse at arguing, worse at fighting. Until they come and take us over. Take over our weak, distracted bodies.

But even if they fail then, even if they fail in the takeover, we’ll still turn into dribble. Our minds will be fried and we’ll end up like those aliens on the Star Trek episode with Chris Pike. We’ll all be to lazy to do anything except watch cat videos.

Even right now as I keep trying to write, my mind keeps wanting to tab over to wikipedia. Can’t you fill in the blanks yourself about how this will destroy us? It’s so easy to figure out. In my town people no longer go outside (partly because it’s flaming hot any day of the week ending in “y” but also) because they can get all the satisfaction they want from the internet, and that’s inside.

The internet can and always will be an amazing tool, but we must find a way to use its powers for good. We need to institute some internet safety laws. Some videos on internet safety would help with that too. We also need to have an internet rehab, but not like the new pansy rehabs, we need and old-school one, on where they just strap you to a bed with no internet for days. I’m sure that would do many people good in this world, including myself.

Those measures may seem extreme, but think about it, think about where we are going with this. If we don’t act now we’ll end up like we’re “in the year 2525”. We’ll be nothing, the only credit our race will ever have is an encyclopedic knowledge of cat videos.

How Apple is a bad horror movie.

By: Austin Smith

With the release of the new ipad, it has become very clear that we are all doomed. Apple is obviously trying to take over the world, and is looking increasingly like a bad hollywood writer’s confused sequel title array. The name of the new ipad is not something easy like the ipad 3 to come after the ipad 2. No its the “new” ipad. It’s like Alien: there’s Alien, Alien 2 and Alien Resurrection. Well, okay, there’s Alien 3 in there also, but that’s beside the point. Apple can’t even decide on a new name so they just don’t call it anything. Or perhaps it’s all a ploy to try to get you to forget that other ipads ever existed.

But this isn’t the first time Apple has done something like this. Remember the iphone? I do! The first time I saw it I said: “man ‘that long cool woman has it all’ will you ‘take me out’?” But do you remember how the iphone came first, then the iphone 3G. Like the Zombie movies. Zombie then Zombie 3, Zombie 4, and Zombie 5, Etc. At least in America, as the original Zombies title is actually Zombie 2, a sequel to a completely unrelated project. That would mean that the iphone was actually originally a sequel to the black berry and then renamed at the last minute. The next ones were then changed back to their original name, as it was technically the third iphone, to avoid confusion. Within…. nothing. It was pointless.

And do you remember when the Macs were called Apple computers? It’s like the entire thing was rebooted with a slightly different name. Like the body snatchers. Okay the body snatchers didn’t spin out into their own series but again you should get the point. They’re trying to make it seem as if they are a different company entirely, or they’re just bad at labeling things.

But the real problem is the ipod. The ipod is everywhere. Quickly, think, does someone you know not have a ipod? You can’t think of anyone, can you? Everyone has an ipod, literally everyone. It’s not like they all have mp3 players, they all have ipods. Mp3 players as a category don’t even exist, they don’t have a chance against the monolith that is apple’s ipod. Since their intro in 2001 ipods have split into so many ranges and different mini-sections of ipods. All based on the fact that the first ipod was good. Like how star wars has three good movies that sell everything else star wars related. So that would make the ipod classic the special edition of “A New Hope”. Well, I guess it was the new hope of all portable music players at the time. And the new ipod nano being “the Phantom Menace” makes sense to me. But moreover they have made it so that everyone can listen to music at any time. Like music is actually an important part of life for everyone. And since nickel and dime-ing people wouldn’t make anyone much money, they ninety-nine you out of a dollar a song. Again like  someone actually cares. Everyone just wants to show off that they have the newest ear-splitting pop song or their great music collection. For absolutely no reason, apple just makes it possible. 

But now that they have something in every household in america soon the sci-fi takeover will start. Or it has already started, they’ve already taken all our money with one dollar songs and cases since every one wants “their””leather studded kiss in the sand” i.e. leather iphone case. What’s to stop them from taking over? I mean you all could have already agreed to a license agreement that gives apple your soul. I’m one of the only people left that still doesn’t have a smartphone, mostly because I’m paranoid about how apple would track my every move and see where I hid the hookers. But also because they could very well kill me, and not just from cancer. But then as xkcd pointed out the takeover would be slow*. And the always correct reporters at Rooster-teeth have shown us that Siri literally kills people*. 

I’m almost prepared for the takeover (I have experience in breaking electronics). But to all the nonbelievers out there that think Apple is such a good company, you just need to think. Someone has to take over the world. If Microsoft tried they’d freeze up and keep rebooting, if linux tried they’d always be waiting for a better “take over the world” patch to come out, and Google would try to take over too many things at once while going too fast and end up disintegrating. That only leaves apple. Apple must take over the world and fulfill its destiny. 

And we can do literally nothing to stop it, I mean we’ve already seen how the future will end up. Even the starship Enterprise is a giant ipod. Or, since we never know where Skynet is or what it looks like (except in the gameboy game and in journey to sillius, but no one remembers those) it could just be apple headquarters with a bunch of iphones linked into each other.

But it really is a horror movie, bad names and all. It’s in everyone’s home, all the kids know about it but can’t stop it, all the adults know nothing or all about it and thus can’t stop it, and only crazy people believe it will hurt someone. We are all doomed, and it’s your fault for wanting that new LMFAO song, your fault.


*citation needed