The Internet will End us all

By: Austin Smith

The internet will be our end. It will end us all. It’s a plot to destroy us.  Just now, I was trying to write an article, but the internet wouldn’t let me. It just kept sucking me in. It’s a plot to make us all waste time and have our grammar increasingly suck. Our ability to defend from verbal attacks by politicians or others will diminish exponentially. We already can’t defend against any attacks. We’re already completely incapable. And we hide the fact that we can’t defend against them by looking on the internet and cursing.

Our attention spans shorten, we can’t do anything without going on to something else. Anything important can just be avoided long enough for people to move on to something else. And in the same way anything minor can be blown out of proportion. Anything can be brought to national attention, no matter how stupid or ridiculous it is. It can capture the public interest. Schlock can capture the public interest. It doesn’t take anything but a few “likes”. It doesn’t even matter if it is possible, or even remotely sane to think about. Anything to keep you from having to think about something for more then a minute. It’s just a plot to get us to not think rationally. We will continue to distract ourselves and become worse at arguing, worse at fighting. Until they come and take us over. Take over our weak, distracted bodies.

But even if they fail then, even if they fail in the takeover, we’ll still turn into dribble. Our minds will be fried and we’ll end up like those aliens on the Star Trek episode with Chris Pike. We’ll all be to lazy to do anything except watch cat videos.

Even right now as I keep trying to write, my mind keeps wanting to tab over to wikipedia. Can’t you fill in the blanks yourself about how this will destroy us? It’s so easy to figure out. In my town people no longer go outside (partly because it’s flaming hot any day of the week ending in “y” but also) because they can get all the satisfaction they want from the internet, and that’s inside.

The internet can and always will be an amazing tool, but we must find a way to use its powers for good. We need to institute some internet safety laws. Some videos on internet safety would help with that too. We also need to have an internet rehab, but not like the new pansy rehabs, we need and old-school one, on where they just strap you to a bed with no internet for days. I’m sure that would do many people good in this world, including myself.

Those measures may seem extreme, but think about it, think about where we are going with this. If we don’t act now we’ll end up like we’re “in the year 2525”. We’ll be nothing, the only credit our race will ever have is an encyclopedic knowledge of cat videos.

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