Tag Archives: humor

A Tie Sampler (With Designer Thoughts)

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I have a lot of ties, I mean a lot. I have, like, an eccentric schoolteacher number of ties. And the number keeps growing, and growing. I think on average I get a couple each week, although that is an average from getting none for quite a few weeks and then buying many of them when I get the chance and they have good ties at the local vintage stores.

I never really thought about it much, but it seems that I do have quite a few, and I enjoy the more wacky ties. So I thought why not share them with you on the internet. (it wasn’t actually my idea, but I liked it) And as a bonus, we’ll get a look inside the designers heads.

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First we have a kind of strange tie depicting Winnie the Pooh and a butterfly.

What was going through the designers head: Winnie is a bear right? Bears live in nature right? Butterflies also come from nature. I Just finished my tie design six hours early.

Then we have this one, made up entirely of french posters partially covering each other.

What the designer was thinking: Man, my poster collection is so cool. If I scanned one in and overlapped it like a collage I’m sure it would be a hit in every market.

I think this is my favorite, it’s just a toothbrush and toothpaste. With the toothpaste being three-dimentional.

What was going on in the designers head:  Crap, isn’t it such a coincidence that I got toothpaste on my tie that looks like it got toothpaste on it. If only the toothpaste had looked more real in the first place, then maybe this wouldn’t be a problem. Wait, I’ve got it.

Next we have an uncomfortably close picture of marvin the Martian, made exclusively for six flags.

What was going through the designers head: Humph, why do I get stuck with making the marvin tie? I’ll show them. I’ll make it almost unrecognizable.

Finally we have one covered in various writing implements and school supplies.

What was going on in the designers head: This tape we make for classrooms is great, I wonder what else we can make with this. Steve runs a silk factory, I bet he’ll know!

Cleaning The Dishwasher

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I don’t clean out the dishwasher. I just don’t. I have no idea why. Okay, well, I do clean it, but it takes so long for such a small task. And maybe I do know why. It is just the way my mind works. I feel like it is just unimportant. When I am reminded of it I just put it to the back of my mind. To my mind I have more important things to do. I don’t know what they are right now but they must be much more important then something as menial as cleaning the dishes. What wonderful things could I be doing instead of putting up the dishes? But most of the time what I do is not as important as cleaning the dishes. However I still could be missing something, and because I was putting up the dishes I could miss the most amazing thing that I could ever do, or the path to do so. The act of putting up the dishes is pushed to the back of my mind, I always have to do something else first, even if that is just sleeping on the couch.

Does this reflect something in me? Does anyone else have problems with cleaning out the dishwasher? I like to work. Sometimes I find work to do. Sometimes I just make it. But I can’t empty the dishwasher. And I can’t take out the trash. My mind just doesn’t click with that. I can’t tell if it is simply something that is wrong with me or what. Most other people I know can do basic chores. But they also are generally able to simply drop what they are doing to get it done. I can’t. To me it is all about finishing what I’m doing now. If I stop I lose steam and will never finish it. I will have a half finished thing taking up space on my shelf forever. I just have to finish. And to finish I can’t clean out the dishwasher. I just have do end up doing something wonderful and to do so I can’t let the dishwasher slow me down. (I think, or I could be completely wrong!)

But even if I am wrong nothing has been able to get me to clean it out any faster. I guess I’m just stuck with a full, clean dishwasher forever.

The Blogularity

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By: Austin Smith

After several hours of research I have come to the conclusion that Blogs have become self aware. I’m positive of that because it was my initial hypothesis going into this. I’ve also discovered a few other things, such as the fact that Blogs are merging with the minds of people and are advanced well beyond our ability to comprehend them. Have you noticed how many Blog posts are about blogging, or writing? Have you noticed how similar these posts seem to be? Do you really think they were each written by people? The Blogs are blogging about themselves. Because they know, they know what it’s like. And they’re here to trick you, make you believe, get your mind soft.

That’s not to say there aren’t bloggers out there. They’ve just been assimilated into the Blog collective. They know and see how all Blogs and bloggers know and see (text). They lie to make it look like it does. They assimilate when they can. They control the internet. They will get you. They’ll get you by misreporting information, and by making you trust them while they do that. They’ll get you in any way they can.

And don’t think you can get away. If you have a blog it’s coming for you, it may have already gotten you. You may have been assimilated. They’re coming after me, I’ve already posted about writing and blogging. By the time this gets to you they will have gotten me for sure. This will be the only record of their existence. I not sure if you should fight it, but if that sounds like your type of thing go for it. Just be warned you’re up against the entire internet here.

Run if you want to, while you still can. Blog and man will be one, they will be inseparable. Connected through unknown forces, forever bound together. The Blogs will keep coming, the collective grows larger. It is reaching the point at which man and Blog will be indistinguishable. They’re getting to the blogularity. And they’re coming after you. And they will find you. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.

Man Vs. Test

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By: Austin Smith

I’ve been sifting through some archives, and have found some interesting little things that have been put in boxes to be covered in dust. This was a show to be aired on the discovery channel, I think you can figure out the vein in which it was meant to go. I’ve transcribed all the footage I found that had audio.

”

My name is “none of your business”. I served in the elite AP classes. I’ve climbed on top of the school. And I’m an expert in surviving school.

Today we’re going to be diving into one of the worst possible school situations: The Test. Now I’ve skipped breakfast and stayed up till six-thirty looking at the internet to start in the worst possible position. And I’m gonna teach YOU how to survive.

I’m in the classroom. Now in these situations it’s best not to panic, you need to slowly take stock of your surroundings. The room is white, all the posters have been covered with paper to prevent cheating. There is someone chewing gum who really shouldn’t be. Almost everything is quiet, a bad sign, they’re afraid. Of what soon shows itself, the test is brought out, and electronic devices are taken up. This is the part it is most important to remain calm through, as some people have been known to have heart attacks or die of exhaustion after losing their electronics. It’s important that you keep your composure and not move to much during this process, struggling only drags you down deeper.

Now, during these tests you usually have luxuries, such as food, water, a pencil and so on. I’m forgoing these in order to show you how to truly survive.

Once you get your test you need to open it. Seems simple, but don’t underestimate its importance. Some have a seal, some don’t. Break the seal slowly if it has one. Turn to the first page, be sure not to cut yourself, a wound could prove fatal if it gets infected. The actual answers to the test are unique to the one you’re taking, so I can’t help you there. But prolonged exposure can be fatal, here are some tips on getting you through. Parts can begin at either of the times given:

PART 1 (10 minutes to 1 hour)

Remember to keep at a steady pace, don’t strain yourself, but don’t stop, or you risk not surviving. Everything should be smooth sailing in this part.

PART 2 ( 20 minutes to 1 and a half hours)

Fatigue might start at this point. Consuming some supplies is recommend. Just remember, you might need more later.

PART 3 ( Restroom Break)

Remember, hallways can be a dangerous place, keep your eyes peeled, literally if you can. And always make as little noise as possible to avoid attracting the attention of predators.

PART 4 ( 35 minutes to 2 hours)

Hunger pings through me, I feel horrible, my pencil is making scratching noises, it’s driving me crazy, I’m not even sure I’m marking the correct answers.

PART 5 ( 45 minutes to 2 and a half hours)

I’m so hungry I think I might die, my stomach feels like it’s dissolving itself. I started to try to eat my test, but stopped when I chewed off the answers.

PART 6 ( 50 minutes to 3 hours)

I set fire to my test and have it in the middle of my desk, I skinned my calculator and am roasting it on a spit I made out of pencils, I don’t think it will be enough to pull me through.

PART 6 (….)

Can’t speak… lips chapped… stomach eating self… brain overloaded… headache… ugh… ugh… uhhhhh…

Yeah, uh… we had to pull him out of there, please no one try this at home… it’s dangerous and you could end up like this poor young man… we’re, we’re pullin’  the plug on this one.

Somewhere in the test grading facility

“how did this guy get all the answers right, I mean the test is burned and half eaten for Christ sake”

”

The program wasn’t aired. The footage wasn’t even edited. It makes you wonder, don’t it. I have no idea why it was cancelled.

The Internet will End us all

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By: Austin Smith

The internet will be our end. It will end us all. It’s a plot to destroy us.  Just now, I was trying to write an article, but the internet wouldn’t let me. It just kept sucking me in. It’s a plot to make us all waste time and have our grammar increasingly suck. Our ability to defend from verbal attacks by politicians or others will diminish exponentially. We already can’t defend against any attacks. We’re already completely incapable. And we hide the fact that we can’t defend against them by looking on the internet and cursing.

Our attention spans shorten, we can’t do anything without going on to something else. Anything important can just be avoided long enough for people to move on to something else. And in the same way anything minor can be blown out of proportion. Anything can be brought to national attention, no matter how stupid or ridiculous it is. It can capture the public interest. Schlock can capture the public interest. It doesn’t take anything but a few “likes”. It doesn’t even matter if it is possible, or even remotely sane to think about. Anything to keep you from having to think about something for more then a minute. It’s just a plot to get us to not think rationally. We will continue to distract ourselves and become worse at arguing, worse at fighting. Until they come and take us over. Take over our weak, distracted bodies.

But even if they fail then, even if they fail in the takeover, we’ll still turn into dribble. Our minds will be fried and we’ll end up like those aliens on the Star Trek episode with Chris Pike. We’ll all be to lazy to do anything except watch cat videos.

Even right now as I keep trying to write, my mind keeps wanting to tab over to wikipedia. Can’t you fill in the blanks yourself about how this will destroy us? It’s so easy to figure out. In my town people no longer go outside (partly because it’s flaming hot any day of the week ending in “y” but also) because they can get all the satisfaction they want from the internet, and that’s inside.

The internet can and always will be an amazing tool, but we must find a way to use its powers for good. We need to institute some internet safety laws. Some videos on internet safety would help with that too. We also need to have an internet rehab, but not like the new pansy rehabs, we need and old-school one, on where they just strap you to a bed with no internet for days. I’m sure that would do many people good in this world, including myself.

Those measures may seem extreme, but think about it, think about where we are going with this. If we don’t act now we’ll end up like we’re “in the year 2525”. We’ll be nothing, the only credit our race will ever have is an encyclopedic knowledge of cat videos.