Tag Archives: humor

So… I was Hitting Myself in the Face with a Golf Club

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So I was hitting myself in the face with a golf club. I’m not sure why, I think someone paid me to do it. I don’t remember now. I then started wandering off to the green. I fell down and stared at the sky, wondering just why I had been hitting myself in the face. For the first time, I realized just how many options I had. I realized I could have not hit myself in the face, I could have hit someone else in the face. I could have jumped off the cliff near the green.

There were so many possible things I could do. So many possible paths in life, each one infinitely affecting every other process in the universe. I rolled over and stared at the grass. If I had decided to pluck enough of it it might die. And then some grass feeding animal in the future might die, or have to go to a greener pasture. And that animal going to that greener pasture might displace some other animal which would create a travel trail, and then someone might follow it a build a house. And who even knows what could happen from there.

I was amazed at the possibilities. I got up and looked around. All the different worlds that could happen from the most minor of decisions. I ran to find someone, anyone to tell them about my new enlightenment. But no one was there. That was no problem. I knew how much I affected the world now. How much each and every decision I and everyone else made affected the very fabric of everything.

I ran off. I knew everything now. I could see the future that I could create. It was a wonderful feeling.

Man, people should hit themselves in the face with golf clubs more often.

How To: Button a Shirt and Eat a Bagel Simultaneously

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So, you’re a busy guy, kinda like me (kinda, depends on the day). You get up early in the morning and you still don’t have time for breakfast, or you just don’t feel like eating. Still you put your pants on and a t-shirt. You go out into the kitchen and fix a bagel with cream cheese (high class, I know). Then you realize that you gotta get a button shirt for what ever you’re gonna do today (busy guy remember). But you don’t have time to eat a bagel and put your shirt on, you gotta do both at the same time. Well I’ve been in this scenario and am here to talk you through it.

First, select a shirt.  The bagel shouldn’t affect this, just be careful to not get crumbs in your closet. Then remove the shirt from the rack and stick your non-dominant arm (the one not holding the bagel) through the correct sleeve (make sure it is the correct sleeve). Swap your bagel to the other hand and do the same with the other sleeve. Now button your cuffs by ‘breaking’ your wrist down and then buttoning with your index finger and thumb (this is one of the trickier parts). Make sure your bagel is in your non-dominant hand before buttoning each of the shirt buttons after lining them up at the bottom (or not if you don’t mind crooked shirts). Button by using your index finger to grab the button and your thumb to guide it. You should have finished your bagel by now and so you can button the top button and put on a tie or whatever now. I just put a note book and a pen in my pocket and I’m good to go.

It’s that simple! I know some of you really need this guide. I know it would have helped me in this situation, although looking things up on the internet while eating a bagel is a completely different guide. I hope it helps some of you out there.

Yahtzee Feelings

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Imagine this: you’re sitting, nice and comfortable in your plastic house. It’s dark, but you don’t have eyes so that doesn’t matter. Your life is a calm bliss. It’s just you and your four friends. None of you can move or speak, but they are your friends, you go everywhere together, you live together. And suddenly, light begins to shine into your little home, although since you don’t have eyes, you don’t notice. What you do notice is the tremor that goes through your house and the surrounding area. Suddenly you’re being lifted into the air and violently shaken around. Soon after you are thrown onto a hard surface where you wait a few cold moments and then are thrust back into your home to repeat the process.

Man, being a Yahtzee die must suck! I mean, it has to, did you not read the previous paragraph? That would be terrifying. We’re constantly abusing these dice for our own amusement. Is that right? Should we be doing this?

But what if the top paragraph was wrong? What if the dice love to be thrown? It is their purpose in life after all, why shouldn’t they love it? If they were created to be rolled and rolled and rolled, shouldn’t a life of stillness be torturous to them. But then what of ambition? What of the occasional die that just wants to be something more?

I don’t know, and since we can’t as of yet converse with dice we may never know. So the choice is yours. You can continue rolling your dice to your heart’s content. Or you can lock them away and hope they have a peaceful life. Either way you may be condemning them to a life of torture. You’ll never know if you were right or wrong. You’ll just have to live with your decision and hope for the best. Just something to think about next time you play games with your family.

So… My Internet Went Down

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Several nights ago I was uploading some comics to the internet. Then suddenly, (dramatic music) the internet stopped working. Just dead stopped with no indication as to why. I was suddenly alone in the world. And as I desperately tried to reconnect to the internet to upload those comics I found my self wondering if I really wanted it to come back up. Did I really want to have the ever-present internet available again? I wasn’t sure. I sat back for a moment and wondered what my life would be like without the annoyances of the internet. After a few moments of thinking I realized how stupid said thoughts were and went back to trying to reconnect my internet.