Category Archives: In the Collection

Tree Tops – In the Collection

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We’ve all had the experience of the “classic” toys. Ones that only really entertain for the amount of time it takes to learn how to use them or ≈5 minutes. At least that was my experience with tops. I like them, but I couldn’t be entertained with them for long (even EDC tops, which are a thing according to some people). And anything like that really benefits in my mind from having a joke tacked on to it. In this case it’s “Tree Tops”, wooden spinning tops that look like the tops of pine trees (the nice, light wood they’re made out of).

Surprisingly enough, they’re made by a fairly competent company, Areaware, and it shows in their construction. Once you get the technique down they really are fairly decent spinning tops. The company makes loads of things, most of which are things I don’t find interesting, but in the section of “toys and games” they make the Cubebot (I think you’d put “the” in front of the name), an elastic band toy that made it into my local arty bookstore, and a deck of minimalist playing cards I’d seen several times around the internet, and had considered getting.

The designer of the tops, Karl Zahn, who is helpfully credited on the cloth carry-bag, seems mostly content to create strange wooden furniture pieces, and most of his other Areaware contributions are wooden animal-shaped boxes and brass rings. There’s nothing really in his résumé that would indicate he’d make such a silly joke toy, but in any case, he made a good wooden top, even if I wouldn’t really consider purchasing any of his other items.

And that’s that. There isn’t much to the tops themselves. They are for sale still at the time of my writing in packs of five, either natural wood color or different shades of “green” (one’s yellow) like mine for a price that’s a little on the high side but not too bad. And you get a posh (rustic, minimal, I can’t accurately describe it so I went for a joke) box (which I don’t have) and bag to go with it. So if you’re lookin’ for good tops and good jokes, look no further.

Ann Coulter Doll – In the Collection

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If you had asked me to give you a list of strange ideas that make very little sense, there would be a non-zero chance that if the list got long enough I would have written down something like “ an Ann Coulter Barbie”. And the fact that something very similar to that exists, (and is a thing that I now own) is one of those things that makes the real world so surreal.

With very little attempt made to actually look like Ann Coulter (as opposed to a generic, blonde, doll-lady) and a voicebox installed (that now makes sounds like some insane person mumbling because I haven’t replaced the batteries) the doll comes in a “try-me” box, through which you can press a button to hear her “catchphrases”. On the box is info about how to replace the batteries and other standard box stuff no one looks at. Flipping over to the back, there is a photo of Ann over a blurry US constitution and a synopsis of her career. Strangely lacking is a justification for this item’s existence.

These photos are so pixelated I can’t believe someone proofed it.

The line of “toys” (dolls? collectables?) that this doll/action-figure-thing is a part of is the “America’s Real Action Heros/Talking Presidents” series, which had such other notable figures as Dennis Miller, Dr. Laura, Laura Bush, Uncle Sam (who, as you may know, is not actually a real person), Bill Clinton, and 4 versions of George W. Bush. Bush is, of course, the best of the line, because one version comes in a fighter-pilot uniform so he at least somewhat blends in with your GI Joes, unlike the super-adventure-having-terrorist-defeating-squad of Bill Clinton, Uncle Sam, and Ann Coulter.

Despite having a great idea (talking president dolls), and super marketable characters (like, they couldn’t do Roosevelt, or Reagan, or Kennedy, or someone cool… maybe keep with the whole “presidents” theme, I guess it would’ve been harder to get their voices) it seems that the company has disappeared. Indeed their website, talkingpresidents.com, leads (me) to a healthcare website and nothing remotely close to a weird collectable doll website.

I don’t know how to feel about this one. I can’t really talk about it as a toy since I haven’t taken it out of the box and it obviously wasn’t really meant to be a “plaything” (I’ll bet the articulation is terrible). I’m still just sort of in shock that it exists. It’s like that time William “The Refrigerator” Perry became a member of the GI Joe team, except without the sledgehammer, or the interest. It just feels like it’s something from another dimension sitting on my shelf, and as a conversation starter that’s not bad.

Russian “Space Battle” Battleship in Space Board Game – In the Collection (космический бой)

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I’ve got about as many board games as I would ever need (let’s see that stop me) including most of the classic ones that immediately come to mind when “board games” are mentioned, like: Life, Monopoly, Uno, Scrabble, and Battleship. Most of those are pretty common; though, even in the middle of southwest Texas you can find those and some “designer” board games like Catan and 7 Wonders, but one of the strangest things I’ve ever found out there in the middle of nowhere is a Russian re-implementation of Battleship called космический бой.

Typing that into Google Translate will get you “Space Battle” or “Space Combat”, which is pretty accurate as the game is Battleship with the titular water-based vessels replaced with spaceships. There are a few variations: the largest ship is only 4 spaces, and there are a few 1-space “fighters”. I don’t have instructions (I say squinting at the back of the box) and can’t read Russian anyway, so I don’t know if there are any rule changes to compensate for what seem to be some annoying additions. There are some rule changes/additions in other countries and regions (Russia included) that make the game in general more playable (less boring than totally random guessing), and hopefully they had the sense to implement them here.

But other than it being obviously Battleship with everything changed slightly (the case, the ships, the pegs) I can’t give you much information about it since I can’t read Russian (or any Cyrillic language). I did find a shop listing for the game after a little internet searching, and running it through the translator doesn’t produce much clarification, though it does acknowledge that the game is a variation on Battleship, making me wonder how the copyright for the game works there (or even here, I don’t really know much about its history), and it offers a vague “Ships on the need to touch each other, the minimum distance – a single cell” that could be an answer to my rules question above. But in any case, we know from the side of the box that anyone can enjoy the game… as long as they are less than 100 years old.

Venus de Milo (and Victory) Statuettes – In the Collection

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For the most part I don’t understand making plaster mini-statues to put around the house. And for a guy saying that, I have more than you’d expect hanging around. I’m not sure who thought it would be a good idea to make miniature versions of famous Greek statues: Aphrodite of Milos or Nike of Samothrace, better known as the Venus de Milo and Winged Victory of Samothrace, but I do know that I have them.

Since writing this I’ve acquired another, smaller Venus (pictured). Interestingly it says “Made in Italy” on the bottom, which is funny if you know where Milos is.

The first Venus was in a pair with the Victory that my brother and I ro-sham-bo’ed and split; I got victory. Thoug, eventually when my brother was moving and getting rid of things, I asked about the Venus and he gave it to me to clear space. Naturally, it fell and broke its head off that day. My repair is noticeable, especially since it’s now in a more humid climate and got stressed in the moving process, it needs work but it’s passable at the moment.

The second Venus is much taller and made out of something considerably more plastic than the plaster of the smaller ones. It’s a yellow-ish off-white rather than true white, and shiner than one would expect. When it came into my possession it was covered in dirt leading me to think it was a lawn ornament in a previous life.

As far as likenesses, go both replicas take some liberties. The tall one in particular is much more “modern” in style. But they’re both easily recognizable as the Venus and I wouldn’t expect a perfect replica from something that was either meant to go in a garden or… be a decoration, I guess, for moderately minimalistic and tacky homes… maybe. The Victory is also not an exact replica but that’s less noticeable as it’s missing more pieces in real life.

I’m still not quite sure why they exist, but I am a classical history fan, and they look good on a shelf while providing a conversation starter. And I guess I’m not alone in thinking that, since you can get a huge variety online, including a Venus de Space if you’re into that.

Soviet Leader Nesting Dolls – In the Collection

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There’s a pretty big collectors market out there for Russian Nesting (Babushka or Matryoshka) Dolls. And, if you search, a surprising number of them are various versions of a “Soviet Leaders” theme. I have no idea if this is a done in a mocking, jesting, or approving tone. Nor do I know why the particular public figures are chosen to be featured (in a fairly unflattering way). The previous owner of my set also told me that it was made in the Czech Republic (perhaps when there was also a “slovakia” attached), and any significance that has is lost on my American post-1990s brain.

The dolls themselves are fairly basic: the carving is unfinished (with a few burr,s here and there) on the inside and the paint is there but far from a masterpiece. I’m not quite sure who all of the people caricature-ized are, but after a little bit of research I believe from smallest to largest they are: Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Gorbachev, and Yeltsin (Who potentially breaks the pattern by being president of Russia and not a Soviet Premier {He does have a Russian Federation flag that would indicate it’s him though}). And if I’m correct, they’re all roughly in chronological order, and some pretty important figures for Russians (though I personally don’t know much about Khrushchev). My absolute favorite has to be little itty-bitty Lenin. And slightly-bigger Stalin is pretty funny too.

I like to think that this is some form of political slight. I certainly would take it as such if they made me part of a Babushka doll set. That’s a joke I could get behind, but I’m willing to bet it’s both something meant to insult and endear, like bobble-heads of American Presidents. And like those, who doesn’t want a traditional Russian toy of traditional Russians looking traditionally silly on their shelf?