By: Austin Smith

With the release of the new ipad, it has become very clear that we are all doomed. Apple is obviously trying to take over the world, and is looking increasingly like a bad hollywood writer’s confused sequel title array. The name of the new ipad is not something easy like the ipad 3 to come after the ipad 2. No its the “new” ipad. It’s like Alien: there’s Alien, Alien 2 and Alien Resurrection. Well, okay, there’s Alien 3 in there also, but that’s beside the point. Apple can’t even decide on a new name so they just don’t call it anything. Or perhaps it’s all a ploy to try to get you to forget that other ipads ever existed.

But this isn’t the first time Apple has done something like this. Remember the iphone? I do! The first time I saw it I said: “man ‘that long cool woman has it all’ will you ‘take me out’?” But do you remember how the iphone came first, then the iphone 3G. Like the Zombie movies. Zombie then Zombie 3, Zombie 4, and Zombie 5, Etc. At least in America, as the original Zombies title is actually Zombie 2, a sequel to a completely unrelated project. That would mean that the iphone was actually originally a sequel to the black berry and then renamed at the last minute. The next ones were then changed back to their original name, as it was technically the third iphone, to avoid confusion. Within…. nothing. It was pointless.

And do you remember when the Macs were called Apple computers? It’s like the entire thing was rebooted with a slightly different name. Like the body snatchers. Okay the body snatchers didn’t spin out into their own series but again you should get the point. They’re trying to make it seem as if they are a different company entirely, or they’re just bad at labeling things.

But the real problem is the ipod. The ipod is everywhere. Quickly, think, does someone you know not have a ipod? You can’t think of anyone, can you? Everyone has an ipod, literally everyone. It’s not like they all have mp3 players, they all have ipods. Mp3 players as a category don’t even exist, they don’t have a chance against the monolith that is apple’s ipod. Since their intro in 2001 ipods have split into so many ranges and different mini-sections of ipods. All based on the fact that the first ipod was good. Like how star wars has three good movies that sell everything else star wars related. So that would make the ipod classic the special edition of “A New Hope”. Well, I guess it was the new hope of all portable music players at the time. And the new ipod nano being “the Phantom Menace” makes sense to me. But moreover they have made it so that everyone can listen to music at any time. Like music is actually an important part of life for everyone. And since nickel and dime-ing people wouldn’t make anyone much money, they ninety-nine you out of a dollar a song. Again like  someone actually cares. Everyone just wants to show off that they have the newest ear-splitting pop song or their great music collection. For absolutely no reason, apple just makes it possible. 

But now that they have something in every household in america soon the sci-fi takeover will start. Or it has already started, they’ve already taken all our money with one dollar songs and cases since every one wants “their””leather studded kiss in the sand” i.e. leather iphone case. What’s to stop them from taking over? I mean you all could have already agreed to a license agreement that gives apple your soul. I’m one of the only people left that still doesn’t have a smartphone, mostly because I’m paranoid about how apple would track my every move and see where I hid the hookers. But also because they could very well kill me, and not just from cancer. But then as xkcd pointed out the takeover would be slow*. And the always correct reporters at Rooster-teeth have shown us that Siri literally kills people*. 

I’m almost prepared for the takeover (I have experience in breaking electronics). But to all the nonbelievers out there that think Apple is such a good company, you just need to think. Someone has to take over the world. If Microsoft tried they’d freeze up and keep rebooting, if linux tried they’d always be waiting for a better “take over the world” patch to come out, and Google would try to take over too many things at once while going too fast and end up disintegrating. That only leaves apple. Apple must take over the world and fulfill its destiny. 

And we can do literally nothing to stop it, I mean we’ve already seen how the future will end up. Even the starship Enterprise is a giant ipod. Or, since we never know where Skynet is or what it looks like (except in the gameboy game and in journey to sillius, but no one remembers those) it could just be apple headquarters with a bunch of iphones linked into each other.

But it really is a horror movie, bad names and all. It’s in everyone’s home, all the kids know about it but can’t stop it, all the adults know nothing or all about it and thus can’t stop it, and only crazy people believe it will hurt someone. We are all doomed, and it’s your fault for wanting that new LMFAO song, your fault.

*citation needed